Friday, April 13, 2012

Things You're Not Allowed to Say Anymore... Part 2

The internet allows for all kind of expression, unique, funny, important and relevant.
Unfortunately it also allows for the kind of stuff that makes us want to die.
Here are some things I never want to see or hear again.

Check out Part 1 of my rant corner.

3. "YOLO!"
Really? Thanks for telling me.
This is not a thing. This is so not a thing that I don't even know when it became a thing. It's a stupid-sounding acronym for an even more stupid-sounding phrase ("You Only Live Once!") that mostly-stupid people use. If we are lucky, this will soon be a forgotten internet meme, and #YOLO will ironically die. I've been hearing it around and it's the worst. So so so the worst. Like, people who say YOLO definitely use emoticons.
Addendum: I recently learned this comes from some Drake song? Alright, every time I hear YOLO I'm going to start singing the Degrassi theme at the offender.

4. "Stay Classy!"
Oh, do you think saying "Stay Classy" will make any difference? You are mistaken.
Perhaps it is my austere New England upbringing, but every time I hear this phrase uttered I grind my teeth. Actually the Honors Activity Board of my university says it every time they send us an e-mail about events and every time I want to cry a little bit. Stop it. Stop it. Yes, perhaps you are an Anchorman fan. However, this phrase has been so reconstituted and absorbed into the vernacular of soul-sucking dead-eyes'd Abercrombie & Fitch wearers that you have to stop. Your movie reference ship has sailed and it doesn't matter anymore. Blah blah cultural capital blah blah Bourdieu, but for real, no one "classy" has ever said this phrase and they never will. Can you imagine Princess Diana saying, "Stay classy?" Can you imagine Oprah saying "Stay classy?" No. No you can't. Can you imagine Paris Hilton saying, "Stay classy?" Yeah, probably. THINK ABOUT IT. Don't do it.

5. This is not so much a saying but more of a plea: Don't Do Things if You Don't Know How to Do Them... Especially With Technology.
This one definitely stems from my growing stress and anxiety about graduating soon, so little things set me off (SLOW WALKERS! PEOPLE WHO STOP TO TEXT IN THE MIDDLE OF WALKWAYS! PEOPLE WHO BLOCK STAIRWAYS TO HAVE POINTLESS CONVERSATIONS! PEOPLE WHO SEND MASS CLASS E-MAILS ASKING QUESTIONS WITHOUT SPECIFYING WHAT CLASS THEY ARE ASKING ABOUT OR PROVIDING THEIR NAME!) but a big one lately is people who do things for which they are ill-equipped to do. I don't mean like, dancing when you're a bad dancer, I mean, who cares, but say, professors who insist on using the internet to demonstrate points, but then spend 10+ minutes fiddling with settings and zoom and stuff. Or people who use powerpoint presentations but read directly from their slides. Or people who don't understand how facebook works but post things anyway.
FOR EXAMPLE, one of my favorite rant-based blogs, STFU, Parents, is all about this. You should read it because it's hilarious.
Take MommyJacking. This is when someone posts something to facebook, "I got a puppy!" and then happy friends say, "Pics, please!" or "Yay!" and then some crazed MommyJacker comments, "Wait til you have a baby, it's the best feeling in the world!" Um... the post was not about babies. Really, read some of these, it's just like that. Sometimes it's a matter of sharing news, like, that one is pregnant. However, the place of sharing that news with a friend is not in a comment on an unrelated post. It's an independent post, or message, or even perhaps a phone call. What posts like these demonstrate is irritating for 3 basic reasons and translates into internet-relations in general:
1.) It's an extreme form of narcissism. Oh, you're getting internet attention? Let me hijack that with something about ME! ME ME ME ME ME! Or at least extreme self-righteousness. No one likes that. Oh, you're having a hard time? My life is SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT! There is a reason why that line of logic gets parodied on SNL so often. Because it's crazy.
2.) The poster does not understand how to use the internet. In some people this is hilarious and endearing. There are actually several funny blogs with screen shots of parents posting embarrassing things on their kids' walls. The twitter account Your Friend From HS is a hilarious parody of this phenomena. But mostly... it's 2012. You should know how to use the internet. Posting comments on profile pictures saying "You look cute. We haven't talked in awhile! How are you?" are misplaced. Those ideas need to be separated and located in appropriate places. There are few things that irritate me more (loljk lies everything irritates me) than seeing some random conversation occur in the comments on a status or photo that are unrelated to what is happening. Especially when I have already commented on it and then get 4,000 inane notifications.
3.) It's presumptive. Especially with the MommyJacking, this is a practice that is all about assuming that your position is the best one. That everyone needs to become a parent. Or that getting pregnant is the most beautiful experience in life. Or that everyone wants to know about little Joey's diarrhea. Whatever! While I love the STFU, Parents blog, there are several posts that just infuriate me. I have friends who are pregnant or have babies and I appreciate their updates, especially cute pics. But they're not trying to push their life on me, just as I am not pushing my personal philosophy for the use of my uterus on them (non-use).
6. Unnecessary Bragging
Perhaps you think this is impressive. This gets you deleted. Similar to my rant on GPA sharing, this is especially relevant to college seniors. Many people I know are getting accepted to grad schools or cool jobs. I would like to know your ultimate choice. I, however, do not need an update every time you get in somewhere. Just inform me what the end-result is. Your grad program choice process is not the same as choosing a Republican presidential candidate. Just cut to the chase, and refrain from sharing every little bit with your 500-900 facebook friends. Tell those people whose opinions matter... and leave the rest of us out of it.

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