Thursday, February 23, 2012

Things You're Not Allowed to Say Anymore... Part 1

The internet allows for all kind of expression, unique, funny, important and relevant.
Unfortunately it also allows for the kind of stuff that makes us want to die.
Here are some things I never want to see or hear again.

1. "Justin Bieber destroyed music."
Some Canadian teenage popstar has offended your delicate and cultured musical tastes? I am so sorry. Let me wipe the tears off your velvet seat cushion of cliché.
Okay, so unless you're a girl between the ages of 5 and 20, I'm not really expecting you to like Justin Bieber.
And if you're a girl between those ages who owns more than 5 articles of black clothing, I don't expect you to like Justin Bieber anyway.
But do you know what you complaining about Justin Bieber tells me? You're probably not fun to hang out with because you're constantly judging everyone's musical taste. Maybe you're into Skrillex. Or perhaps jazz. Or Bon Iver. I don't really care. If you were a real person you wouldn't be so concerned with comparing what's popular to what you like. Justin Bieber's music isn't objectively bad the way that Creed or Maroon 5 is. It's commercial. Commercial pop music has existed for decades. No one is saying it's pushing boundaries or changing the world, but it's fairly innocuous. People wrote a whole musical about a popular male singer who made girls fall in love with him and boys jealous. It was called Bye Bye Birdie. This phenomena of indignant pop culture judgment is not new. Stop thinking you're special because you have good taste. You probably don't.
You're also probably the type of person who comments on Björk music videos, "THIS IS WHAT REAL CREATIVITY AND TALENT LOOKS LIKE, GAGA!"
So... basically, you're a tool. Allow the rest of us to more or less ignore Justin Bieber in peace, or perhaps just casually read about his relationship with Selena Gomez and hum along to "Baby" without your unnecessary pretension.

2. [Facebook status] It's a 4.0 semester, baby!
Am I your mother? Did I ask to know your GPA? Is this suddenly going to make me think you're intelligent?
When I was 14, one of my teachers said that grades and money are two things that should always be kept private. I agree. There are occasions when divulging this information is relevant, but it is never ever relevant as a facebook status update for your 300-900 friends to see. A while ago I had a roommate who was dating this horrible, horrible guy, so I would tell him my GPA because he was a huge tool and actually cared that I had a higher GPA than he did. He also was a massive tool because he thought he was better than my roommate/his girlfriend for not having as high a GPA as he did. This is called assholery. Don't do it. I only did it to make him stop talking. Occasionally, it worked, so I say the ends justified the means.
If you update your status with something like this, I probably already think you're lame, so it will just make me de-friend you faster, so thanks for that. Please just save this update for bragging to your boring friends in person and when you make your daily phone call to your mom/dad.

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